I have worked as a counselor for a young women’s leadership organization for 16 years. I have trained up many a counselor through that program. There is nothing greater than seeing something special in a teen-age girl and having the opportunity to help to foster that gift. I love seeking out opportunities to lift those girls up and to put myself on the line out of my belief in them – even when they fall short. My prayer is that I would always desire that my “students” (so to speak) move beyond their “teacher.” That I would want for them to outgrow my instruction and surpass me in whatever area I have been able to help them grow. And while my actions are usually aligned with that goal, there are times when my heart is not. Times when I am jealous if my “prodigy” is chosen over me to participate in a project. Or when her opinion appears to be valued more than mine. It’s a tug of war between my pride in their success and the twinge of envy that comes from feeling like they are taking my place.
My cousin Leigh “blogged” it so well when she said:
“I have been the one with a jealous eye and any praise towards [the other] person doesn't just seem like praise - it sounds like a personal rejection…what it comes down to is believing a lie. A whisper in your ear that they don't need you anymore, that one has come along better and that you services are no longer needed.”
In church, my pastor has been talking about the love of the Father. On Sunday he said something that sort of lodged itself in my head. He explained that based on Roman law, after a child was adopted into a family, the adopted child has the same status as the birth son. He also pointed out that it is on these Roman laws of adoption that all scriptures referencing our adoption into the family of God are based. With this explanation, the pastor began to elaborate on the many benefits of being adopted as God’s child…one of them being that we now have the same status as our adopted brother, (that would be Jesus)...meaning that God loves us as much as He loves Jesus.
Maybe that’s a simple truth that I missed along the way but that word picture somehow speaks more to me than any Christian catch-phrase I’ve heard in my years of immersion in the Christian culture. More than “God can’t love me more and can’t love me less” or “God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.” Even though those are accurate statements, the truth is this: we are loved the same as with the person whose sacrifice gave us the opportunity be loved in that way to begin with. I’m not even sure how to really wrap my head around that. Jesus genuinely rejoices in the fact that His sacrifice has resulted in my gain. Why is he able to do that (other than the fact that he is God -- duh)? Because he knows his Father. And because he knows his Father, he trusts his Father. And because he trusts his Father, he is secure in his Father’s love. It is within this security that freedom comes.
I am so far from living in that freedom on a daily basis. So, even though I know that there are many more dimensions to being loved as Jesus is loved, one thing I would like to take from that is a way to overcome those jealous moments – which are really just insecure moments, I guess. That I would not find my security in someone else’s approval. That that knowledge would take residence in my heart…not just my head. And that people’s affirmations would be only icing…not the cake. And through that may I not only be able to outwardly lay down my life for a friend or sacrifice for the benefit of the people you have entrusted me with, but I would do so with joy and without that unwanted jealousy or questioning of my value when someone else is recognized.
It's so much easier to say (well to write) than to live out. Well, maybe acknowledging it is at least step one...
