Real vs. Pretty

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

- Skin Horse, The Velveteen Rabbit

The truth is that I've always fancied myself as someone who resists the surface. I've been known to get irritated with small talk. I want to talk about things that matter. And I've been accused of asking too many "third level" questions (true story). Even as a child, I looked at the world from a different angle. I pondered how earthworms felt and loved getting lost in a book. I'd still choose a connected conversation over a flashy night out on the town any day.

So I thought.

Most recent lesson from my vocal coaching: Real is better than Pretty.

Last week, I was supposed to send a recording or two to my teacher. One of them was a song that I have sung once a year for the last 10+ years. I know it like I know my name. I know where I want to put the licks and where I want my voice to "swell with meaning." And that recording - in all it's glory - was Pretty, if I do say so myself. And my teacher told me it was.

But then she asked me to try some different things with it - to whisper the words of the song. Then to sing them with the same whispered intensity. You can't make whispered words Pretty.

And something clicked. This song sung with every practiced nuance and rehearsed emotion was impressive because it was Pretty, but fell flat in connecting with those that were listening. Not only that...but because it was Pretty - neither the listeners nor I had ever realized that something was missing. In being free from Pretty, I was able to really listen to what the song was saying, and respond. There was new life in that old song. It was Real again.

Here's the other interesting thing. When my concentration shifted from how I sounded to what I was saying - my nerves dissipated a bit, too. When I was trying to "be" something...to hit a self-imposed standard...to be Pretty, I was judging myself. (note: I was doing the judging, not others) When I freed myself from being Pretty, judgement stopped. Nerves lessened. I even felt a little - wait for it - confident in what I could offer.

And, such is life. We all live trying to be Pretty for someone. Our spouse. Our kids. Our parents. Our friends. Our boss. Ourselves. Our God.

But in releasing ourselves from Pretty is where we find real connectivity. We're able to communicate...and more importantly...listen. We become more comfortable - and confident - in our skin. And that is REAL. REAL is what changes lives. REAL is what can change our life. And as far as I'm concerned, that's what REALly matters.

Perception vs. Reality

Perception is reality. Except...it isn't.

I am taking voice lessons right now. Part of the process involves watching videos of yourself singing taken during lesson. I've been surprised by the difficulty I have in watching those videos, and I'm trying to figure out what that's about. It isn't in hearing myself - because I'm usually ok with that - but regardless, the bottom line is that I'm being forced to see things that I don't like to see. And it's occurring to me how easy it is to let myself live with a perception of myself that isn't reality.

The only way to fix things within yourself is to be aware of what needs to be fixed. The only way to improve is to know (read: see) where improvements need to be made. The only way to be made into the image of God is to come face to face with the things in yourself which do not accurately reflect Him. You have to see yourself reflected in the mirror of Truth in order for any of that to happen...and isn't that the ultimate goal?

A friend of mine who is married once said to me that, for her, one of the biggest blessings of marriage is having someone who reflects your heart back to you, so you can see the truth of yourself in a safe and loving environment. As a single woman (or person for that matter), it's quite easy to live in my perceptions without seeing what is reality and think all is well. I'm surrounded by a "yes man" (ie: ME!).

When we are afraid to see the Truth, we live a lie. And to protect ourselves in that lie, we hold people at arms length. And holding people at arms length keeps us from developing that "safe place" to see the reflection of our true selves. Interestingly enough, my teacher reminded me at the end of the lesson that this was a "safe place" to try new things.

Who knew that these lessons would be a catalyst to self examination? I need to start thinking about these things that I don't like...and work on turning them into action items. And I hope that the practice of seeing reality and improving on it will take root in some deeper places, as well.